The Origins of Fandom
by Crowley'sMooseSquirrel'sAngel
Summary: You have your non-shippers. You then have your casual shippers. And then there are your obsessive shippers. Next come the divine shippers. Finally, there is the ultimate shipper Himself. When fandoms and ship wars go down in Heaven and in the celestial mind of God Himself, stuff gets real.
1. God, the Original Fanboy

**Disclaimer: I don't own SPN.**

 **Well, at least I found my true calling: hunting down headcanons and turning them into ficlets ^_^**

Even though God had up and left after the death of Jesus Christ, He hadn't abandoned His creations. Instead, He loved to kick back with snacks and a glass of whatever was popular at the time (He had a particular fondness for wine) and watch His creations as though they were part of a reality show on a device called television that they would invent later on in the twentieth century.

God's favourite 'program' was what He liked to call 'Match Made in Heaven'. He particularly liked shouting down at His humans, willing them desperately to find their soul mates and have the damn happy lives they deserved. But it was so frustrating! Why did He have to make humans so blind?

"No! Stop! That was your soul mate right there!" God yelled desperately as a handsome blond man in seventeenth century Britain swept straight past the pretty brunette lady without even a glance. "TURN AROUND, YOU BLIND FOOL! YOU MISSED HER!

London suffered the worst thunderstorm that night than it had in a century.

God christened His condition 'fanboyness', with 'fangirliness' as the appropriate female counterpart. One could trace this etymology back to the roots of 'fanatic' and the suffix '-dom', which He had smushed together to create 'fandom'. He thought this term appropriate; after all, He was rather fanatic about His creations finding their 'other halves'. He also named the condition of shipping as wanting particular people to get together and make babies and have 'hot sex', as He had heard once.

But honestly, God was wondering if becoming a fanboy had been such a good idea. None of His OTPs (One True Pairings, though Oh The Pain worked well) ever got together!

"UGH! WHY ARE ALL OF MY OTPS WALKING BY EACH OTHER WITHOUT NOTICING?"


	2. Heavenly Shipping War

**Disclaimer: I don't own SPN.**

 **Here's the second part to The Origins of Fandom!**

 _But God was nothing compared to His angels._

It was just another ordinary day in Heaven. Well, if by ordinary you meant storms and fury flying around everywhere, that is.

"BACK OFF, RAZIEL! THIS OTP IS PERFECT!"

"YOU KNOW NOTHING, ZOPHIEL!"

"I KNOW MORE THAN YOU, DICKWAD!"

"NO YOU DON'T, IDIOT!"

Michael wondered if it was too late to follow in his Father's footsteps and ditch ass. He had thought these concepts of 'fandoms' and 'ships' relatively harmless and so he had allowed this to continue. However, he was now beginning to regret this.

"DESTIEL!"

"WINCEST!"

"DESTIEL!"

"WINCEST!"

Zophiel seethed at Raziel.

"You fool!" she raged. "Destiel is the best OTP there is!"

"Hell no!" Raziel retorted. "Wincest forever! There is no greater love than that between Sam and Dean Winchester!"

"They're _brothers_!" Zophiel screeched. "That would be like me going and engaging in intercourse with Muriel! We're sisters! It would be wrong!"

"Leave me out of this!" Muriel said quickly, flapping off.

"Well, an angel and a human engaging in those activities is simply abominable!" Raziel said, crossing his celestial arms.

"I'm with Zophiel!" Pahaliah chimed in. "Destiel fiveever, peeps!"

"Fiveever isn't even a word!" Sandalphon said smugly. "Wincest for the win!"

"I think the love Castiel holds for Dean is beautiful!" Zophiel said. "Destiel is perfect!"

"Loving a human is forbidden!" Raziel insisted.

"And besides, you were perfectly fine with all of that incest and inbreeding back in ancient Egypt, Zophiel!" Sandalphon added. "You loved Cleopatra!"

"And look how she turned out!" Zophiel said. "She killed herself and her boyfriend with a snake!"

"It's just disgusting!" Pahaliah agreed. "Dean was practically a father to Sam and he sees Sam as a little brother and nothing more! It is horrible to engage in sexual acts with your family!"

"Better family than an angel!" Raziel shot back.

"Castiel's an oddity!" Pahaliah said. "He always was! If anyone was going to fall for a human, it would be him! And it's so romantic! He's given everything up for Dean!"

"And Dean is an ungrateful ass who will never love him back!" Sandalphon said. "But Sam and Dean love each other no matter what!"

"Really? Dean seemed pretty disgusted with Sam about the demon blood!" Zophiel said smugly. "He called Sam a monster and told him not to come back! You don't do that to people you're in love with!"

"But he forgave Sam!" Raziel said. "That's an act of true love right there!"

"Well, what about Disa?" Ingrid said. "Dean and Lisa are beautiful together!"

"Bitch, please!" Pahaliah scoffed. "As if that Lisa bitch can compare to Castiel!"

"Don't call Lisa a bitch just because she sinks your ship!" Sandalphon said. "Ship hating isn't on!"

"What about Suby?" Esther said. "Or Ram. Or Rum. Or whatever Ruby and Sam are called."

"Hell no!" the other angels exclaimed.

"I got it!" Theo said. "Rilith!"

"Eww!" Zophiel, Raziel and Esther said.

"Yuck!" Sandalphon and Pahaliah exclaimed.

"That's just wrong," Ingrid shuddered.

"Fine," Theo said sulkily.

"Compromise and meet in the middle!" Malachi said. "Wincestiel!"

"NO!" everyone else cried.

"I wish you would all stop fighting," Rebecca sighed. She was ignored.

"You're all wrong!" Sophia declared. "Sastiel is the OTP to end all OTPs!"

Zophiel, Raziel, Pahaliah, Sandalphon, Esther, Ingrid and Theo stared at her.

"That's just a NOTP right there." Zophiel shook her head.

"Seriously?" Pahaliah snorted.

"They're right, it'd never work," Raziel conceded.

"Ugh," Ingrid gagged.

"Throw yourself off a cloud, Soph!" Theo said.

"How does that even make sense?" Esther grimaced.

"Agreed," Sandalphon nodded. "Even Destiel is better than that. At least Dean isn't tainted with demon blood!"

"Where the hell'd you pull that one out of?" Malachi said.

"I just wanted to be involved!" Sophia cried. "You assholes are always putting me and my ships down!"

She flew off, sobbing and wailing something about coming back and trolling them all in revenge.

Michael face-palmed as Zophiel, Raziel, Pahaliah, Sandalphon, Theo, Esther, Malachi and Ingrid launched themselves at each other, lightning crackling and screaming at each other with their true voices while invoking Enochian curses that even he was surprised to hear.

' _Is it too late to surrender to Lucifer and be his little bitch?'_ Michael wondered. It was better than being stuck in Heaven with a group of angels about to engage in another ship war!

Down on Earth, Dean looked up at the lightning-cracked sky and groaned loudly.

"Just great," he muttered. "Come on, Cas. Back to the room before we get soaked."

Dean made a run for it from the Impala to the motel room. Castiel looked up into the pouring rain and sighed.

"Not again…" he mumbled. "The last ship war that occurred was catastrophic. Troy was never the same after their defeat…"


End file.
